Gone

As a person that is normally pretty up front with her own feelings I'm in a very hard position right now. I've been dealt very difficult news and I'm not even sure how to start processing it. This morning I found out that I lost a friend. Even worse is that it wasn't some outside force that took her from her family and friends but her own hand. My friend, who I knew as a wonderfully honest and dear person who was quick to laugh and had an enormous capacity to love also struggled with an inner demon - depression. That evil demon became so over powering that it overwrote all the love she had for her husband, two beautiful young daughters and all her family and friends and caused her to see nothing worth living for. I really just can't wrap my head around it.

The news first came to me through my sister in law. Long ago, we had the small world realization that we knew the same girl through different venues. Me through my book club and my sister in law through work. The book club I had with my friend has been officially disbanded for a few years now. However, we met on a monthly basis for 7 years and formed good friendships within it. I'm still in regular touch with several of the girls from that club, my friend being one of them.

Upon hearing such shocking news I didn't believe it so called upon a coworker who was very close to this friend and might know. I called work to talk to her and when she answered the phone crying it confirmed the horrible news. After getting some information from her and sharing our shock and grief together I called another book club gal. I had the unfortunate job of breaking the news to her and saying it aloud...that our friend was gone....hit me hard. I completely lost it and haven't really been able to stop crying since.

I'm going to miss my friend. I absolutely don't understand how I'll never see her again. The last time was a few months ago when she and her girls came over to see our new house. The last scene I have of her in my mind is a smiling girl carrying a beautiful daughter in one hand and holding her oldest daughter's hand in her other. Never did I think it would be the last time I would see her.

Her daughters. Those girls bring tears to my eyes faster than any other thought. My heart absolutely breaks for those girls who won't have their mother. Even worse, they are so young that they will have little to no memory of what a wonderful woman their mother was. More than anything in this world I hope that is something my children will never have to experience.

And her husband. He is a great man. I don't always bond with friends' husbands but I did with him. He is a handy guy and we often talked tools together and he loved to show off his work shop in their cool old barn to me. I remember when my friend met him. Our book club met at a restaurant for our 5th (?) anniversary and she came to the meeting on cloud 9. They had recently had their first date and she knew without a shadow of a doubt that he was the man she would marry. She was absolutely right. They wed a few years later. In fact, their wedding happened in Boston just one day after my brother got married in Dallas. It was a crazy weekend for me, but I made both joyous events.

And she's gone. And she's left her loving husband, two young daughters, family and friends to deal with such unimaginable grief.

From what I understand of her situation, she's not being doing well for about a month. However, she was going through all avenues possible to get herself the help she knew she needed. And it still wasn't enough to overcome the dark cloud.

It's all so hard to understand and even harder to try and accept. I wanted to try and put down my feelings into words here as some therapy for myself to try and wrap my head around what's happened. But I can't. It's just such a horrible event and one I'm sure will affect the rest of my life. It's not natural to lose such a young friend. I'll miss her.