Ah, The Elusive Sleep

I feel like I haven't slept in 2 months. Right, that would be because I haven't. When I asked friends advice about parenthood while I was pregnant an answer I got several times was "just get through the first few months and then it will get better." That phrase has stayed in my head and I've repeated it to myself many a time, normally in the middle of the night.

Now don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed this little bundle of joy immensely. Even when I feel so tired I don't think I can walk without the chance of falling on my face, Dylan can make me smile with something as minute as a cute kick or gurgle. Though the last 2 months have been some of the most wonderful in my life, in other ways, they have been 2 of the hardest in my life.

Not getting sleep makes basic functioning challenging at times. As y'all know, Mike and I have it "easy" in our situation with the both of us being at home. This has allowed us to sleep in shifts. While one of us is taking care of the kid, the other has the freedom to nap. Basically, this means that Mike is staying generally well rested. I, on the other hand am not. This is because of two main reasons.

1) Napping is difficult. I try, I really do. Even when I don't feel like I can fall asleep, I will go to bed and try when I have the chance. The world is against me in this effort. Usually, after about 15-30 minutes of laying down, I will start to doze off. It's usually around this time that a baby starts crying downstairs (and that darn motherly instinct makes it impossible to drown out even if he's being well taken care of by Dad), the neighbor's landscapers show up and start using leaf blowers or someone rings the doorbell.

2) Breastfeeding is hard....really hard. Now, that's something I was also told by several before giving birth. Regardless, I decided to be committed to the decision to do it. I'm not sure exactly what my interpretation of "hard" was, but it's definitely proving to be a different kind of difficult than I thought it would be. At first (up until just a few weeks ago), it was physically hard. We had lots of logistics problems with it that caused a lot of pain for me (I won't go further into it so as not to make anyone too uncomfortable). However, I had thought once those had gotten resolved, and they have, that it would be smooth sailing. What I've realized now, however, is that breastfeeding is emotionally hard.

Having a child is obviously a HUGE responsibility. But having two parents to care for the child makes it a little less scary. When breastfeeding is concerned though, I am solely responsible for the absolute biggest need for this child - his food. Babies eat a lot....a whole lot....and really often. What starts out as a huge physical responsibility turns into, very quickly, a very difficult emotional responsibility. Suddenly, the weight of taking care of this little being becomes overwhelming, scary, a burden and yes, even wonderful. It's a little crazy to try and take all of those emotions at once. Now, throw in the factor of no sleep (because of having to be up every 2-3 hours for feedings) and those emotions become almost unbearable. See, emotionally hard.

I know that someday I will be able to sleep for (gasp) 4 hours (or more!) at a time. Every night I cross my fingers and pray that "this will be the night." So far, other than that one fluke incident a few weeks ago, that has not happened. The day will come though...the day will come. And when it does, I'm going to be one happy girl!